George W. Bush Running Mate Application

George W. Bush needs a running mate, but sufficiently bland-yet-dignified candidates are hard to come by. Are you veep material?

—By Will Durst

| Wed Jun. 28, 2000 11:00 PM PDT

Please print this page and fill out the questionnaire using a typewriter or print neatly using black or blue ink only.

Name:_________________________

Address:_______________________

Age:___________________________

Occupation:____________________

Marital Status (check only one):
Single: __ Married: __ Other: __

Blood type (check only one):
A: __ A-: ___ B: __ B-:__ AB: __ AB-: __ O: __ O-: __ Blue: __

  1. The most important quality I would bring to a national ticket is (circle one):
    1. A fierce dedication to uphold the Constitution of the United
      2. States.
    2. The electoral vote guarantee of an important swing state.
    3. Respect and dignity.
    4. Money. Lots and lots and lots of money.

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  • Which of these statements is truest (circle one)?
    1. "Blood is thicker than oil."
    2. "Oil is thicker than water."
    3. "Blood is thicker than water."
    4. "Oil and blood have approximately the same viscosity, but oil is easier to use as leverage."

  • The investment of portions of Social Security in the stock market is (circle one):
    1. A good idea.
    2. A great idea.
    3. A great idea the public will come to trust after I've talked to them about it.
    4. The worst idea since oyster-flavored popsicles.

  • Please spell "potato."

    • Singular: ___________ Plural: _____________

  • Hunting is better than golfing.

    • True: ____ False: ____

  • Did you ever know, work with, or have as a good friend, Jack Kennedy?

    • Yes: ____ No: ____

  • Jeb Bush's children are (circle one):
    1. Black.
    2. Red.
    3. Brown.
    4. Short.

  • Complete this statement. Women (circle one):
    1. Should be seen barefoot and pregnant but not heard.
    2. Got to learn to relax for the inevitable.
    3. Deserve to be executed just like normal people.

  • As an impressionable youth, I experimented with (circle all that apply):
    1. Marijuana.
    2. Cocaine.
    3. LSD.
    4. Campaign finance reform.

  • Electric Shock Therapy (circle one):
    1. Should be utilized only as a last resort.
    2. Is like drinking three triple shots of bourbon real fast.
    3. Can be fun.

  • If you cannot answer yes to A, please complete B.
    1. I have many children. Yes: ____ No: ______
    2. Why not? ____________________________

  • The W in George W Bush stands for (circle one):
    1. Wimp.
    2. Wussie.
    3. Walker.
    4. What the hell do I stand for?

  • Please answer the following question to the best of your ability:
    • "Who am I, and why am I here?"

    _________________________________________
    _________________________________________
    _________________________________________

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