In The Blogs

Best Abstinence Advice Ever

| Tue Nov. 24, 2009 11:26 AM PST

If you're like me, and you have trouble keeping friendly frontal hugs from turning into full-on depraved bonefests, you'll appreciate the advice of these side-hug-advocating, Jesus-loving white rappers (h/t the Rumpus):

Honestly, even though my Catholic-school teachers forced me to watch graphic abortion videos when I was a child, I had a hard time believing a big Christian group would really endorse something this misguided. Forget that even Bristol Palin knows that abstinence-only education is just silly; what's with the gunfire and sirens? But consider the matter fact-checked: "Mm-hm, that was us," the Encounter Generation Conference secretary told me this morning. "The side hug is just a little rule we have around here, to encourage kids to keep their hands off each other." Apparently they've also recorded songs set to the Phantom of the Opera theme and Queen's "We Are the Champions." Since those are, unfortunately, not available on the Internet, I offer you Christian punk band Lust Control's catchy anti-masturbation screed. My favorite part is where they remind you that Jesus "sees everything you do"—though it's a slightly less creepy deterrent than what I was taught in grade school, which is that if you touch yourself, Jesus AND your dead relatives will watch.

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Mac McClelland is a reporter at Mother Jones. For more of her stories, click here. Follow her on Twitter here.

Comments

Wait... punk?

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed Nov. 25, 2009 6:27 AM PST.

Maybe the christian-side-hug version of punk is crappy hip-hop-rapish

This is fucked

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed Nov. 25, 2009 6:54 AM PST.

This is fucked

hahaha, people don't realize

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed Nov. 25, 2009 7:28 AM PST.

hahaha, people don't realize that Christians have a sense of humor about themselves too. I went to a Christian university, and we always joked about dancing and the amount of hip movement allowed. It wasn't a real rule, it was just a joke. They aren't really saying there is a right or wrong way to hug. It is just a joke about hugging too close.

OMG - People are so retarded.

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed Nov. 25, 2009 7:30 AM PST.

OMG - People are so retarded.

"I'm a Ruff Ryder..." LMAO

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed Nov. 25, 2009 7:50 AM PST.

"I'm a Ruff Ryder..." LMAO

Rough Rider?

Submitted by Anonymous2 (not verified) on Wed Nov. 25, 2009 11:35 AM PST.

Rough Rider?
http://www.condom.com/roughrider.html

Did he say "Democrats

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed Nov. 25, 2009 8:18 AM PST.

Did he say "Democrats shouldn't be in congress?" WTF does that have to do with anything christian?

Yes he said Democrats

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed Nov. 25, 2009 8:32 AM PST.

He said democrats because Christians, by definition are conservative; Democrats on the other hand by reputation and party views are liberal. Therefore, Christians don't believe in much of what Democrats believe in.(hardcore christians)

not all christians are conservatives...

Submitted by former christian (not verified) on Wed Nov. 25, 2009 10:09 AM PST.

i am a former christian, and during my teen years i jokingly refered to myself as a "hippie christian" or "godspell christian." alot of my friends in the youth group i belonged to were also very liberal. these days, i live in an area with a great many progressive christians (and i'm not just talking unitarians).

we didn't do the side hug thing, though. that's freaking ridiculous.

democrats?

Submitted by Naypi the goddess (not verified) on Wed Nov. 25, 2009 9:08 AM PST.

I thought he said "Democratic shift in congress"?

Hugging from the side

Submitted by Manhattan (not verified) on Wed Nov. 25, 2009 8:25 AM PST.

That is the longest rap I've ever heard on the subject of side hugs.

haha. at least artificial

Submitted by somnambulist (not verified) on Wed Nov. 25, 2009 8:53 AM PST.

haha. at least artificial sex is less likely to cause pregnancy...
and are they really trying to bribe us with marriage consummation?
although, oddly, thinking about being married can quickly destroy a boner

Considering the youtube

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed Nov. 25, 2009 9:36 AM PST.

Considering the youtube video is filed under comedy, this might just be a joke?

this is fucking stupid

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed Nov. 25, 2009 10:48 AM PST.

maybe you should remember why you are even on this earth.....BECAUSE YOUR PARENTS BONED!!!!!!!! they non-christian frontal hugged the shit out of each other

i like hate mail

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed Nov. 25, 2009 10:52 AM PST.

There's an actual band video of the song The Big M at
http://www.myspace.com/lustcontrol

lust control is awesome.

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed Nov. 25, 2009 3:30 PM PST.

lust control is awesome.

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed Nov. 25, 2009 3:30 PM PST.

lust control is awesome.

Anybody else notice that the

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed Nov. 25, 2009 11:27 AM PST.

Anybody else notice that the keyboard player is just playing the Imperial March from Star Wars, they aren't even original enough to write their own music.

And what is the message they are trying to get across, that isn't not ok to "front hug" someone but it is fine to bust a cap in people? At least that's what I got from the gun shots at the end.

I don't understand why, in

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed Nov. 25, 2009 12:17 PM PST.

I don't understand why, in the masterbation video, they have a picture of feces. What kind of marital sex are they referring to?

Also, this has given me lots to laugh about today. And worry about.

the dudes are quite

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed Nov. 25, 2009 3:43 PM PST.

the dudes are quite obviously making fun of themselves

they arent that funny, but the fact that they have humility makes it tough for me to point and laugh

You are so stupid, the band

Submitted by Christian Stupidity (not verified) on Wed Nov. 25, 2009 4:28 PM PST.

You are so stupid, the band is retarded and you should all seriously get of the internet and go live in caves. Maybe side hugging there will save you.

Side hug

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed Nov. 25, 2009 8:29 PM PST.

It's amazing how much people love to get offended. They actually hunt down people and search for it. Back off and get a life. Let us life our life the way we know we should. Don't like it? Don't watch.

Howlingly laughable? Yes.

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu Nov. 26, 2009 12:59 AM PST.

Howlingly laughable? Yes. Cynical and unpleasant propaganda trying to dominate and control peoples lives? Also yes.

Lovely

Submitted by Adrian (not verified) on Thu Nov. 26, 2009 5:19 AM PST.

I can`t believe these kind of rappers exist, i mean, this must be a joke right? Taking advice from kids rapping on star wars music...

so, what Lust Control are

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu Nov. 26, 2009 6:45 AM PST.

so, what Lust Control are saying is that with all the trouble in the world, Jesus has nothing better to do than watch people having a wank?

side hugs

Submitted by I'll give HER the christian side hug. (not verified) on Thu Nov. 26, 2009 9:06 AM PST.

After multiple views and thorough investigation into this clip I must conclude that it is a spoof. You can see the teleprompter screen at a couple points in the video as well as hear the audience laugh at several moments during which they wouldnt if it was NOT a spoof.

annnnyways...
the masterbation thing is funny.

side hugs

Submitted by I'll give HER the christian side hug. (not verified) on Thu Nov. 26, 2009 9:06 AM PST.

annnnyways...
the masterbation thing is funny.

w00t.

Submitted by obby. (not verified) on Thu Nov. 26, 2009 9:37 AM PST.

OMG
I JUST HAD SEX
MMMMM.~~

OMG! I front hugged my

Submitted by Brooke (not verified) on Thu Nov. 26, 2009 11:26 AM PST.

OMG! I front hugged my brother last night! Does that mean that I am leading him into sin?

Undercover Angel

Submitted by Rob S. (not verified) on Sun Nov. 29, 2009 3:58 PM PST.

When Jesus is watching you masturbate, that just makes it all the hotter.

side hug?

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Sun Nov. 29, 2009 8:56 PM PST.

Well, last i checked, Jesus let judas Kiss him, i'm sure there wasn't an awkward side-hug involved either.

LOL I thought this video was

Submitted by steam shower (not verified) on Sun Nov. 29, 2009 9:14 PM PST.

LOL I thought this video was awesome. What a way to pass abstinence lol!

http://www.chicagotribune.com

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon Nov. 30, 2009 2:46 PM PST.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/chi-talk-christian-side-hugnov30,0,68...

What if while side-huggin,

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu Dec. 3, 2009 10:52 PM PST.

What if while side-huggin, you stick a finger up their arse? Is that ok?

SIDE-HUGS are only acceptable

Submitted by SIDE-HUG GURU (not verified) on Wed Dec. 16, 2009 1:51 AM PST.

SIDE-HUGS are only acceptable when simultaneously receiving a SIDE-JOB, which for all you noobs out there, is a term I just made up referring to receiving a one-handed handjob while in SIDE-HUG position. This hand-job can be performed by either a man or woman, but in most cases it is a man or boy that is tugging the weiner.

After many years of side-hug observation,I am still yet to see a SIDE-BLOW-HUG. One would have to have an extremely long neck or very long arms. Or maybe a long anteater/elephant type snout to be able to accomplish such hard task.